Ephesians 5:11-13 “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible.”
A person will become self-isolated for many reasons; most of the time, it is not for a good reason. I am not talking about taking a sabbatical or going on a retreat alone; I am talking about going off-grid. They do not communicate or ignore family and friends because they hide something they know is wrong in their hearts.
There are four major reasons why a person might self-isolate. We will discuss three here and then the fourth one next time. Again, all of these reasons are unhealthy and can potentially damage relationships. Sometimes, the by-product of unhealthy behavior is strained or fractured relationships.
A. Isolation for Escape. This has a couple of different faces but generally has the same core issue: the mindset of “I don’t want to deal with it.” People will avoid conflict or shameful behavior by withdrawing from the situation, especially if they are the offender.
Sometimes, self-talk (that voice in your head) will convince a person or create a false image that causes a person to fear the issue, so they avoid it. We have the power to talk ourselves into believing all kinds of things, including lies, which create a false narrative. For Example, a couple has a fight, and one of them begins to think the other person does not respect them. Instead of talking about it, the situation is avoided and ignored until it finally comes to a head.
An additional example is a person who has done something they feel is wrong and believes their friends or family will look down on them for it. They convince themselves of this fact and, therefore, begin to isolate themselves.
Another form of Isolation is one I see a lot; it unfolds when someone has a promise to do something and escapes when they fail to follow through. For example, a person has been eating his roommate's food and promised to pay for it but does not follow through; as time goes on, the tension rises, and instead of resolving the issue, they isolate.
In nearly every case, there is an emotional feeling of shame, but in reality, it is about emotional maturity. The high road is to deal with the conflict head-on instead of being passive or isolating.
B. Isolation due to Addiction. This can play out for several types of addiction. Isolation can become a part of all kinds of addictions, but let me outline three that are big.
1. Drug addiction results in the person becoming isolated. The reason can be due to family conflict, especially when the family is being used or manipulated by the addict. The addict is usually happy in their own world, living from one high to the next.
I should note that while they are isolated, they are not alone, as drugs like each other's company, if for no other reason than to share with their “Friends.” These friends are only there for one reason and cannot be trusted in most cases. The more they immerse themselves in drug addiction, the further away they move from their family and true friends.
This includes those who have an addiction to alcohol. So often, people who have drinking problems will find themselves alienated from their families. Many families have been devastated due to the effects of drinking, and sadly, the isolation is on the part of the family members to protect themselves from the addict.
2. Addiction to Pornography is often done in isolation from other people, even from a spouse. It is kept in the darkness, and the addict hopes it will never come out into the light, as this would be too shameful to handle. Statistics show that the more a person is drawn into porn addiction, the more they will isolate themselves from their friends and family.
3. Eating disorders or food addiction is also one often done in isolation. The person trapped in this addiction lives in a vicious cycle of stress eating, then feeling bad about what they did, and that causes stress, so they eat more. The heart of this addiction and reason for isolation is shame (which I will deal with in a future blog).
C. Isolation because of Sin. “I know what I am doing is wrong, and I don’t care.”
Let me tell you, I have seen this one play out so many times. It generally only affects the relationship between two parties; we will call the first party the “sinner” and the second the “church” (in particular, the pastor). When people desire certain pleasures, they are aware that their desire is against the Bible and the teaching of the church, so they self-isolate or withdraw from the church. Here are a couple of real-life examples.
1. Sexual sinful behavior – The church member begins to cohabitate (shaking up) with another person. They know that God’s word is clear about sexual relationships, so they step back because sexual desire is greater than the holiness of God. In nearly every case, it ends poorly… but they never listen to the truth, only their hormones (and emotions).
2. Wild living—this might include drinking or drug-related behavior. They know that the church would not accept this behavior. Also, if they feel this behavior might get them in trouble with the law or the pastor (“who cares about what God thinks”), they will self-isolate from the church.
3. Convicted and run - People come to church, and if it is a good Bible-believing church, the flock will be challenged to live Christ-centered lives that glorify God. When the message, or Holy Spirit, brings about conviction, we have one of two options: repent or run away. Sometimes, as people are convicted, they will withdraw from church and God because they do not want to repent or live for God.
At the end of the day, Isolation is a way to deal with the world that is at odds with a person’s poor judgment or behavior. The answer is simple: “Repent!” The actions are not as easy. While the church does exercise church discipline according to scripture, the goal is to restore people and not push them away. We want people to draw near God, but let me be clear: God hates sin!
See you next time... P.C.
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