Isolation and Self-Destruction

Ephesians 5:11-13 “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible.”

        A person will become self-isolated for many reasons; most of the time, it is not for a good reason. I am not talking about taking a sabbatical or going on a retreat alone; I am talking about going off-grid. They do not communicate or ignore family and friends because they hide something they know is wrong in their hearts.

        There are four major reasons why a person might self-isolate. We will discuss three here and then the fourth one next time. Again, all of these reasons are unhealthy and can potentially damage relationships. Sometimes, the by-product of unhealthy behavior is strained or fractured relationships.

A.    Isolation for Escape. This has a couple of different faces but generally has the same core issue: the mindset of “I don’t want to deal with it.” People will avoid conflict or shameful behavior by withdrawing from the situation, especially if they are the offender.

Sometimes, self-talk (that voice in your head) will convince a person or create a false image that causes a person to fear the issue, so they avoid it. We have the power to talk ourselves into believing all kinds of things, including lies, which create a false narrative. For Example, a couple has a fight, and one of them begins to think the other person does not respect them. Instead of talking about it, the situation is avoided and ignored until it finally comes to a head.

An additional example is a person who has done something they feel is wrong and believes their friends or family will look down on them for it. They convince themselves of this fact and, therefore, begin to isolate themselves.

Another form of Isolation is one I see a lot; it unfolds when someone has a promise to do something and escapes when they fail to follow through. For example, a person has been eating his roommate's food and promised to pay for it but does not follow through; as time goes on, the tension rises, and instead of resolving the issue, they isolate.

In nearly every case, there is an emotional feeling of shame, but in reality, it is about emotional maturity. The high road is to deal with the conflict head-on instead of being passive or isolating.

B.     Isolation due to Addiction. This can play out for several types of addiction. Isolation can become a part of all kinds of addictions, but let me outline three that are big.

1.      Drug addiction results in the person becoming isolated. The reason can be due to family conflict, especially when the family is being used or manipulated by the addict. The addict is usually happy in their own world, living from one high to the next.

I should note that while they are isolated, they are not alone, as drugs like each other's company, if for no other reason than to share with their “Friends.” These friends are only there for one reason and cannot be trusted in most cases. The more they immerse themselves in drug addiction, the further away they move from their family and true friends.

This includes those who have an addiction to alcohol. So often, people who have drinking problems will find themselves alienated from their families. Many families have been devastated due to the effects of drinking, and sadly, the isolation is on the part of the family members to protect themselves from the addict.

2.      Addiction to Pornography is often done in isolation from other people, even from a spouse. It is kept in the darkness, and the addict hopes it will never come out into the light, as this would be too shameful to handle. Statistics show that the more a person is drawn into porn addiction, the more they will isolate themselves from their friends and family.

3.      Eating disorders or food addiction is also one often done in isolation. The person trapped in this addiction lives in a vicious cycle of stress eating, then feeling bad about what they did, and that causes stress, so they eat more. The heart of this addiction and reason for isolation is shame (which I will deal with in a future blog).

C.     Isolation because of Sin. “I know what I am doing is wrong, and I don’t care.”

Let me tell you, I have seen this one play out so many times. It generally only affects the relationship between two parties; we will call the first party the “sinner” and the second the “church” (in particular, the pastor). When people desire certain pleasures, they are aware that their desire is against the Bible and the teaching of the church, so they self-isolate or withdraw from the church. Here are a couple of real-life examples.

1.      Sexual sinful behavior – The church member begins to cohabitate (shaking up) with another person. They know that God’s word is clear about sexual relationships, so they step back because sexual desire is greater than the holiness of God. In nearly every case, it ends poorly… but they never listen to the truth, only their hormones (and emotions).

2.      Wild living—this might include drinking or drug-related behavior. They know that the church would not accept this behavior. Also, if they feel this behavior might get them in trouble with the law or the pastor (“who cares about what God thinks”), they will self-isolate from the church.

3.      Convicted and run - People come to church, and if it is a good Bible-believing church, the flock will be challenged to live Christ-centered lives that glorify God. When the message, or Holy Spirit, brings about conviction, we have one of two options: repent or run away. Sometimes, as people are convicted, they will withdraw from church and God because they do not want to repent or live for God.

At the end of the day, Isolation is a way to deal with the world that is at odds with a person’s poor judgment or behavior. The answer is simple: “Repent!” The actions are not as easy. While the church does exercise church discipline according to scripture, the goal is to restore people and not push them away. We want people to draw near God, but let me be clear: God hates sin!

See you next time... P.C.

Isolation and Mental Health

Proverbs 12:25-26 “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

A few days ago, Christian recording artist Mandisa was found down in her home in Nashville. According to her father, she was suffering from the lasting effects of COVID-19 (weakness), but the Cause of Death (COD) has not yet been released.

Speculation in the media, and perhaps among her friends, was that her death might have been self-inflicted, the result of an ongoing struggle with mental health and depression. The Christian Post referenced an interview with Mandisa from a few years ago when the singer spoke out about her struggles. In the original article, she said, "I isolated myself, I didn't want to talk about it, and I battled with the shame of feeling like I didn't have enough faith or that God was displeased with me."[1]

This blog is the first in a series of Isolation. I want to discuss the issue of isolation for people dealing with Mental Health and expose some of the causes and solutions. Mental Health affects people regardless of social status, age, race, gender, or size of their bank account, yet people who are below the poverty line tend to have more stress and struggle with depression and other forms of mental health versus other segments of the population.

Likewise, trauma has a direct impact on a person's mental health and can be amplified by isolation. I talked about the goals of building resilience in my blog on the iceberg. Some of those tools apply here as we deal with the issues below the water line regarding mental health.

There are three reasons people with mental health become isolated, and there often is a compounded effect when more than one is present. Let me say up front: isolation is harmful to and unproductive for a person’s recovery.

1)      The person becomes isolated due to the mental illness itself.

Let's be honest: when you feel depressed, the last thing you want is to be around other people. Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, and many other mental health concerns will cause a person to isolate as part of the illness. It is often because the processing aspect of our brain wants to shut down, not deal with anything or anyone that might add to the issue.

People with mental health concerns will not just isolate themselves but will withdraw from social life as well. They will sleep a lot and suffer from fatigue. For them, it feels like they just fought off a 400-pound grizzly bear, and they are not sure who won the fight.

Solutions: If you are suffering from a mental health issue, realize your need to interact. Seek help from family and friends. This is a great reason to have a loving church family that can be your support network. I know that reaching out for help can be like swimming to the surface of an ocean filled with molasses, but you need to use your survival instincts and push on.

Families and friends can help best by what I often call the “Ministry of Presence.” The person dealing with mental health issues does not need your advice unless they ask for it. They may not need intervention or rescuing from their crises. What they need is someone to listen and be there for them. They need to know they are not alone and that you can be trusted to support them as they navigate the emotional and mental gauntlet.

2)      People isolate themselves due to the stigma associated with having mental illness.

This is a big one because no one wants to be labeled as “Crazy.” People will hide their depression or other mental health concerns simply because of fear of rejection and being stereotyped. The shame of dealing with mental health can make a person feel weak or less than a human.

Mandisa said, “I didn't want to talk about it, and I battled with the shame of feeling like I didn't have enough faith or that God was displeased with me." People often think one of these two reasons is why they have their issues, and I promise the little voice (and Satan) will reinforce the feeling that “Real Christians don’t have mental health issues; you are weak. If you just had more faith, this would not have happened to you.” Other people think their issue is because God is mad at them and is doing this to punish them.

Let me assure you that both of these reasons are lies, and you should never believe them. We live in a broken world where sin and disease rule. Because of the fall, sin, and death entered the perfect world; therefore, each of us must deal with that consequence daily in our own way. Mental Health is just one of those areas where we will struggle; it does not mean it is due to sin or God’s retribution.

Solution: If you are dealing with mental health, do not believe the lie; you are not broken or crazy; you live in a broken and fallen world. It does not reflect how God feels about you; He loves you and is there for you. Being ill is not a sign that God does not care. In fact, you are made in the image of God, and He dearly loves you.

If you have a family member or friend who is dealing with mental health be supportive, be careful of what you say, and do not tease or say things like, “I always said you were a little crazy.” Work to break down the stigma and realize that anyone can deal with various forms of mental health.

3)      The judgment of others pushes those with mental health concerns into isolation.

I will admit that the church and pastors are the number one offender in this area. Often, it is done without thinking about it, and it is just part of the pastoral mindset that it must be spiritual. This is likewise connected to the stigma and shame of having a mental illness, compounded by poor judgment on the church leaders' part.

I have heard pastors say that the issue is sin, and repentant prayer can solve it. Others denounce the use of medications, counseling, or even biblical counseling. In a world where people need real help from the church, cognitive behavioral therapy is a great option. Christians should not feel ashamed or afraid to talk to their pastor about their mental health and should receive help and support.

When I was pastoring in Pennsylvania long ago, I had a church member come talk to me about her depression and the fear of taking medications. She felt that it might be unchristian to take medication. She really struggled with stigma and needed both support and encouragement. I assured her it was appropriate to take prescription meds just as anyone would use medication to treat high blood pressure or hyperthyroidism.

The church needs to be a support network for those dealing with mental health and not a barrier. When the counseling is greater than my knowledge or skill level, I have a good Christian counseling group to which I refer people. I am not totally against secular counseling, but I prefer someone grounded in God’s word.

Next time I will explore the topic "Isolation and Self-Destruction." I hope to see you then.

P.C.

---

[1] https://www.christianpost.com/news/police-give-update-on-death-of-christian-artist-mandisa.html?utm_source=Daily&utm_campaign=Daily&utm_medium=newsletter

https://www.christianpost.com/books/mandisa-talks-battling-depression-mental-illness.htmlv 

Flipping the Script.

Many people find themselves in a funk, living daily in the dumps. How do you get out of the dumps? The first step is to do challenging work to make the change. I always tell people, “I can give you the tools, instruct you on the process, and demonstrate the process, but until you are ready to apply what you learned, change will never happen.”

Yesterday, I presented a life motto:

“Turn the Negatives into Positive, and Accentuate the Positives.”

How does this concept apply to your life situation? Does it have the power to help me get out of the funk? Before we go much further, I would refer you to my previous blogs about the Iceberg and how your behavior is shaped by what is below the surface.

Here is a good illustration of how the principle will work in a person’s life. It is always helpful to have a team or support network for success. Isolation is the recipe for failure.

Consider a person who struggles with an addiction. Without making one type of addiction sound more difficult than another, let me say that overcoming an addiction is not the same for every person who is in the battle. The addiction could be drugs, caffeine, smoking, drinking, pornography, eating too much or stress eating, gambling, playing video games, you get the picture.

While the end goal is freedom from the addiction, the process might seem daunting or overwhelming. Remember the old saying, you eat an elephant one bite at a time? Well, that applies to more than elephants. The goal is to turn Negatives (plural) into Positives (also plural) one step at a time.

That has been the key for recovery programs for decades. People will say, “Today, I am ten days sober.” Each day is one step in the right direction, and each step or positive change is celebrated. Each step or day we have made a positive change in our behavior or habit is one fantastic day that deserves to be celebrated.

Sure, there are going to be setbacks and failures, but then you get up, and tomorrow becomes another positive step in the right direction, and we celebrate it all over again. Celebrations are sweetest when they are shared!

That is where the team or cheering section comes into the process. Your life change team is there for three important reasons. First, they are there to support your progress and hold you accountable. For example, if I have a weakness for donuts, they might remind me of my diet plan when I am tempted to eat a dozen glazed donuts.

Second, they are there to give you the support you need as you make your way. This might be someone you call when you are struggling or can help you make tough decisions. The third reason is they are your cheering section. They are there to celebrate the victories and encourage you when it has been a day of setbacks.

Anyone can apply this principle to their life challenges. It is not easy, but it is always worth the work. Let's make a plan to change your negatives into positives, and then we can celebrate you and your awesome progress.