Bad Decisions are Not Traumatic

             I want to take a minute to describe to you what trauma is and is not. Some people, especially those with certain agendas, will say that if you get teased, laughed at, or treated differently for being yourself, that is considered trauma.

You doing you comes with making certain decisions that you determine are important for you to express yourself. If I color my hair purple, green, or any unnatural color, I am doing this to express myself. This is true for body piercings and tattoos that people get, it is generally to make a statement and garnish attention.

I have a collection of what I consider awesome jackets. When I wear them, I will get compliments for how they look. I will often select a jacket because I know it will get attention and comments. This can apply to my T-shirts; most have been personally chosen, and when I wear them, I make a statement.

The same is true for acting goofy; it aims to get attention. No one is a comedian in an empty room; it is the attention they desire and will play for. This attention can be positive or negative; either way, it is them expressing themselves to gain attention.

When we act or wear something to gain attention, we do so with the conscious decision that our actions will draw attention, and if that attention is negative, our desire to be ourselves is more important than people’s joking, laughing, and finger-pointing. It is a decision that we believe we can live with.

I can connect this to the iceberg for a minute and say that people who feel a lack of identity below the surface and who feel shy or introverted will act subtly to gain the attention they desire but are too afraid to seek openly. This can be seen in a person wearing a nose ring or having an eyebrow pierced; it is a subtle way to draw attention and express themselves that they can live with.

Let me take this personal expression to another level: Ideology.

I have a concealed carry permit for a handgun. If I decide to carry my handgun in the open, I have made a conscious and thought-out decision, weighing the pros and cons. I am aware that guns are a hot topic right now, and people will not just judgment for my actions but might engage me in heat if not hateful, discussion over my right to bear arms. My decision to open carry must be for a good reason and calculated on my part to deal with the push back it will encounter.

Likewise, as a Christian, I am sometimes selective with whom I share this truth. Sometimes, it is to my benefit to withhold this information from other people or a group. If I decided to share this information, I would be prepared for whatever response I might receive. Again, the response could be judgmental, hateful, misguided, or accepting and affirming.

Regardless of how people might respond, being a Christian is part of who I am, and their response will not change me. Again, my decision to make this information known is based on the audience and the response I wish to receive. If I am talking to people who are already bashing Christians or talking about gun control, I am not going to throw gasoline on a fire I cannot control; it is just common sense.

I want to stop here and say that if I do not think through my decision and rush into every situation like a bull out for blood, I will suffer the consequences for my thoughtless or brash decision. Moreover, the issues of identity and self-image below the surface will explode in my attempt to define and express myself in unhealthy ways, resulting in conflict. Still, those are decisions originating from our core beliefs, attitudes, and thoughts.

Therefore, without sounding like I am bashing someone’s ideological belief about LGBTQ, let me say that this is likewise a decision below the surface being expressed in actions and behavior above the surface of the iceberg. The person has planned to “come out,” exercised their courage to express themselves, and we hope they have gone through the thought process of manageable reactions to their decision.

If a young woman dresses like a man, she has accepted the consequences of that decision, just as the guy who dresses as a drag queen has decided to express themselves, accepting that it will get people’s attention. Again, they have the right to express themselves, and share outwardly their beliefs about who they are.

Just as in my example of open carry and being a Christian, I have evaluated the environment and “read the room” to know if this is a suitable time to express myself. If I decide this is not a suitable time or the right place not to express that aspect of myself, it does not change me; it just means I have exercised good judgment.

The cultural issue is that in the LGBTQ community, the expression is expected to be acceptable by those who might disagree with the ideological views of the other person. The resulting push back is then deemed as the fault of those who oppose their other person’s view rather than just calling it poor judgment and pouring gas on an open flame in the name of self-expression.

Likewise, to label the push back as hate or traumatic is illogical because it is about poor judgment and decision-making on the one expressing themselves.

If you make an unwise decision, that is on you, and as the old expression goes, “suck it up, buttercup.” The LGBTQ person, as do all of us, has the right to express themselves and make calculated determinations as to how and when this expression might be accepted. Bad decisions are not traumatic, and to say otherwise would demean those who have suffered true trauma. Getting your feelings hurt for an unwise decision is not trauma.

However, if the person has suffered physical, sexual, or intended harm because of who they are, this indeed could be traumatic. This is true for anyone, regardless of the circumstances. People can be hurt because of self-expression, but the key is “real” harm, not hurting their feelings because someone else does not agree.

Next time, we turn up the heat on our water… I hope to see you then.

These questions are designed for you to think about the blog. They are not intended for you to share the answers in the comments, but you are welcome to share them with me. 

 Questions: 

• How does expressing oneself seem harder these days? 
• What is the connection between self-expression and the elements below the iceberg's surface? 
• How have you ever experienced someone else’s reaction to your decision, of either self-expression or ideology? Did it affect the way you acted in the future?

TTFN,

Pastor Charles